Boundaries or Self-Centeredness: A different way to think about protection

We often hear about the importance of setting boundaries – guarding our time, energy, privacy. It's an essential part of self-care, right? But what if we shifted the metaphor? Instead of picturing boundaries as fences or walls that keep others out, what if we thought about being deeply centered in our Self? Rooted in a strong sense of who we are, grounded in our values and feelings, and clear about where we end and others begin.

When we are centred in Self, boundaries become less about controlling other people’s behaviour and more about honouring our own experience. It’s not about rigid rules or pushing people away. It’s about standing in our own clarity, knowing we are responsible for ourselves – and trusting others to be responsible for themselves. 

This kind of centeredness isn’t something we just wake up with one day. It’s something we often have to (re)learn as adults. Because for many of us, our original sense of self was shaped in childhood – and not always in ways that supported healthy interdependence.

If you had a nurturing caregiver who could hold space for your feelings, meet your needs with consistency, and allow you to be fully in your experience without having to manage theirs – this gave you a powerful gift. You likely learned that your feelings mattered, that your needs could be met, and that it was safe to be yourself. Over time, this creates an internal foundation: you know how to tune into your own desires, advocate for your needs, and connect with others in a way that honours both your self and theirs.

But not everyone grows up with that kind of support.  If your caregiver was anxious, overwhelmed, or emotionally unavailable, you may have had to become hyper-aware of their needs – learning early that being “good,” quiet, or pleasing was how you stayed safe or got attention. Over time, this survival strategy can morph into people-pleasing: constantly scanning for how others feel and what they need, often at the expense of your own well-being. You might give and give, intuiting others’ emotions with incredible skill – only to find that when you need something, others don’t respond in kind. This can feel deeply confusing, even heartbreaking. But it’s not a flaw in you. It’s a pattern that once kept you safe – and now deserves your gentleness and attention.

On the other end of the spectrum, some children grow up with neglect or emotional absence. In those environments, getting needs met might have required crying louder, demanding attention, or learning to self-soothe without support. That can lead to a different kind of overfocus on personal needs – a survival skill that, in the extreme, can look like narcissism.

Whether you find yourself constantly accommodating others or feeling fiercely protective of your time and energy, the invitation is: come home to your Self. If you feel the urge to build strict boundaries to protect your resources, pause and ask – what would it feel like to stand more fully in yourself instead? To use that beautiful sensitivity and empathy you extend to others… for you?

You don’t need to be harsh to be clear. You don’t need to be self-sacrificing to be loving. The more deeply you can feel what’s true for you – your yes, your no, your maybe – the more naturally you’ll create space that honours your needs and makes room for real connection.

Being centred in Self is not selfish. It’s how we move through the world with integrity, with clarity, and with love.