Saying "No" - Help from Miss Manners
People who grow up more aware of others needs than their own find that they may say yes to every invitation and request, including their own high expectations. This habit is often emotionally and physically exhausting, though it seems rewarding on the surface. Despite good intentions, taking on too much can lead to burnout and resentment, leaving little time for true priorities.
Although we may think of saying no as being selfish, healthy boundaries improve relationships and prevent burnout and resentment. They clarify responsibilities and protect relationships by ensuring we don’t take on what isn’t ours to handle. Brené Brown says “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it.”
We need to be okay with disappointing others. Just as airlines instruct parents to secure their own oxygen masks first, we need to prioritize our own well-being and choose our "yes"es wisely. Saying no is easier when the choice is between good and bad, but rejecting good and worthwhile things that your people-pleaser would like to do can be challenging. Saying no to good things can allow you to say yes to the things most important to you, your great things.
Although the best way to manage overcommitment is by saying no, it’s challenging to refuse without seeming rude, and making excuses can sometimes lead to reluctantly agreeing to things we would prefer to decline. So, what’s the solution?
Luckily, Miss Manners is here to help. In her essential and hilarious volume of etiquette, Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, Judith Martin (known as Miss Manners) provides effective strategies for politely saying no.
Tool #1: Silence
Often, when we want to decline an invitation, we end up explaining ourselves with a lengthy list of excuses. You don’t need excuses to say no. Over-explaining can lead to guilt and possibly a reluctant agreement. Miss Manners emphasizes that a simple, firm no is both polite and effective. Her guidance includes responding with, "Oh, I’m so terribly sorry, I just can’t," and if asked why, simply , “Because I’m afraid it’s just impossible.”
The challenge lies in managing the silence after saying no. Many people fill the void with excessive talking, but practicing restraint is a valuable social skill. Miss Manners suggests a helpful exercise: say you need to check with someone else before providing your response. With practice, offering a straightforward refusal without excuses will become second nature.
Judith Martin. Miss Manners Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior: The ultimate handbook on modern etiquette. 2005.
Miss Manners Advice Column - Answers on a range of “manners” dilemmas. Navigating all kinds of social and professional situations while holding boundaries politely and assertively, kindly and often very humorously. Browse and enjoy!
Just say no – politely and firmly. Advice column post on saying ‘No’ – Hear it from Miss Manners herself!
Tool #2: Persistence
It can be difficult to stick to a refusal when faced with persistent requests. Whether it's for charity events, fundraisers, or other repeated invitations, Miss Manners advises that persistent refusals should be handled with consistent firmness and politeness. Just like you would repeatedly refuse unwanted food or attention, you can politely but firmly repeat your no until the requestor understands.
Tool #3: The Spontaneous Refusal
Sudden requests can be especially challenging. It’s important to differentiate between what’s urgent and what’s important. While spontaneous invitations might seem pressing, they often aren't as crucial as maintaining your mental health, family and personal relationships, life goals, and spiritual life. Miss Manners offers a tactful response: “Oh, we would have loved to see you, but unfortunately, we can’t make it this time. Please remember us for future plans with more notice!”
This response not only conveys affection and regret while sticking to your decision but also sets an expectation for the future. Importantly, Miss Manners advises against creating another obligation to avoid the spontaneous request. You do not need to say yes to one thing to be justified in saying no to a different one.
Miss Manners' advice isn’t about saying no to everything, but rather about managing your finite time wisely. By using her strategies to say no to what drains you, you free yourself to say yes to what truly enriches your life, such as quality time with loved ones, personal projects, or simply enjoying a spring day.